BARNEGAT, N.J. –It’s the case of the nonexistent ninja. Public schools in Barnegat were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school.

Turns out the ninja was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword.

Police tell the Asbury Park Press the man was late to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school.

The lockdown began shortly after 9 a.m. Wednesday and lasted until 9:30.

(lifted from Boston.com)

So, I want to tell all those kids out there–the ones born after 2005–that they’ll never know how hard we Gen Y’ers had it.  I hope this website is still up when these kids are old enough to read.  I think I need to do this FJM style.

When I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

Children of tomorrow, you don’t know how bad it was.  We used to have to LEAVE THE HOUSE, go to the library, search the digitized catalog, and then go find the book on the shelf!  We couldn’t use Google’s vast eBook database to search the text of every single publication on earth.  We had to FIND THE RIGHT PAGE.

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter … with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

First, I should admit that I thought people stopped writing letters shortly after the First American Civil War.  Second, children of tomorrow, do you realize that we used to have to set down at our computers to write emails?  We couldn’t type them on our smartphones as we rode our hoverboards to the spacepark.

There were no MP3′s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

Back in my day, we used to have to search by the individual song that we wanted and hope that someone else on the peer-to-peer network had it.  We couldn’t search the vast landscape of the entire Internet for full albums and TV seasons, and we couldn’t use torrents to download from multiple people at once.  Downloads sometimes took HOURS.  And we could only fit 2,000 songs on our iPods, which couldn’t always remote control your house.

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!

Get a load of this: Some phones only had 2 lines when I was growing up.  And they showed just the phone number and name of the person calling.  Not a customized holographic photo like your phones do now.

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Play station video gameswith high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “asteroids” and the graphics were horrible!

The video games we had when I was growing up were like Neanderthal tools compared to the shit you kids have today.  3D images had to be SIMULATED on a two-dimensional flat-panel HDTV, and you had to hold a controller full of buttons in your hands and different buttons corresponded to the various actions you could perform.  And only 4 people could play at a time, instead of 32 like you’re used to.

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!

I have to take a moment to fill you in here, because this must sound very foreign to you.  Before the advent of 4320p ultra HD and petabyte Internet streaming, people used to have to go to a place called a “theater” where new movies were shown for a fee.  You didn’t pick them from the on demand list, you had to show up for a scheduled showing of the movie, and the floors were very, very sticky.

You never would have lasted 5 minutes in 2000, kiddo.  And you’d only be able to download half a song in that amount of time.

Count the internet sensations!

Ok… the truth of course is that Indie Rock has come to mean something entirely different. You can go ahead and google the sh*t out of the term looking for some semblance of a definition but it is simply a genre of music with distorted and blurred boundaries which work out quite nicely for the “real fans” who are free to subjectively judge which artists have or haven’t sold out according to their unfounded, elitist point of view.

How do you know if you’ve run into an indie rock elitist?
1. You’ve just been informed that your favorite bands are all sell-outs and so fake.

2. It has come to your attention that you’re just a part of the corporate machine**

3. You’re enduring an argument about the legitimacy of Neitzschean nihilism from a guy in his late 20s who runs the soundboard for Mercury Lounge and supplements his income as a barista at a coffee shop in Williamsburg because Starbucks is just so fake.

4. “Dude, you’re so fake”

**This may also be a hippie, the differentiating factor would be whether or not they have showered.

Meanwhile, enjoy the link below as Zach Galifianakis interviews the “most indie rocker” of our time… in the form of Michael Showalter.

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2008/05/galifianakis_showalter_strive.html

ESPN The Ultimate Remote manages home theater components, set top boxes
and IP equipment with intuitive "location-free" setup and one-handed
operation, using a standard wireless connection -- unlike other products
that require cumbersome programming and a personal computer -- in order to
set even the simplest home theatres.

Remind me again why I would pay $300 for a remote control that gives me sports scores?  Isn’t that what cell phones are for?

ESPN loves to slap its name on random products, including (but not limited to):

• ESPN The Magazine
• ESPN The Weekend
• ESPN The Season
• ESPN The Ringtones
• ESPN The Racecar Bed
• ESPN The Foam Packing Peanuts

and my personal favorite…

(The kids love this one.)

PRNewsWire

Beerpong.  Ditto.

Wii + Beerpong?  Winner.

Featuring two distinct competitive games, Frat Party Games™ – Beer Pong will offer a traditional tournament-style game of Beer Pong for one to four players and Speed Pong, during which two to three players compete at the same time, each trying to be the first to eliminate all of his or her cups.

I called this, by the way, almost a year ago.

This just in: Macs are now impervious even to theft! Take that ya PC bitch! Can you do THIS? Can you?

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. —  A Westchester woman who had her laptop stolen was able to connect to the computer, photograph two suspects and file the photos to police.

White Plains Police say they used the photos to arrest 23-year-old Edmon Shahikian of Katonah and 20-year-old Ian Frias of the Bronx Wednesday night. Police say they recovered most of the $5,000 worth of electronics stolen from the woman’s White Plains apartment back on April 27.

Police say the woman got a call from a friend asking if she was online.

The victim said no and was told by the friend that her computer showed her as being on the Internet.

At that point the victim signed onto another computer and used the “Back to My Mac” program to determine that her stolen MacIntosh laptop was on the Web.

She then used the stolen computer’s camera to photograph Shahikian.

Didn’t think so.

But that’s fine. Maybe the point of the article is to identify the best 10 all-around laptops or something. I will concede that some laptops, while technically capable of everything, are not practically suited for certain tasks. For example, I would not recommend the Dell XPS M1730 World of Warcraft Edition to traveling businessmen, or, y’know, aspiring non-virgins. Either way, the article is bound to have some criteria for identifying its best 10 laptops right? You can’t just make a list of laptops and call it the best 10 of anything right? It’s probably included in the very first lines of the article:

1) Acer Aspire 5920-6954 Laptop

Nope. They’re going to be launching right into this thing. That’s fine. We’ll have to assume some basic criteria then. Well, since we’re dealing with laptops, battery life and weight are going to be primary concerns. Because people carry laptops.  Regarding general computer features, the most important are probably storage, processor performance, and bundled software. Then there are the little things like connectivity options, expandability, value-add features, and design. So, how about that Acer Aspire?

Except for business applications, which it lacks

Wait a minute. They’re ranking the best 10 all-purpose laptops, and #1 on the list doesn’t have business applications? Aren’t business guys the guys that do most of the computer buying? Don’t they make things called “business laptops” or “laptops for business?” Does this mean Acer, as a business, cannot use its own laptops?  And what are the business applications that it lacks? Microsoft Office? LotusNotes? Does it lack them pre-installed, or does it lack the capability to run them? We’re seven words into this and we’ve already got more questions than answers.

the Acer Aspire 5920 Vista Home Premium laptop has just about everything home-office buyers could ask for in a solid budget laptop

…except business applications

The terrific keyboard boasts loads of shortcut buttons that do everything but take out the trash.

Alright now we’ve got something to work with. It’s got a terrific keyboard! What makes it so terrific? Well we don’t know, because PC World only tells us what the keyboard isn’t capable of doing–taking out the trash. Turns out, that terrific keyboard has media control buttons and one-button application launching abilities. Alright, that’s pretty handy, but what about those basic criteria we talked about for laptops? It weights a beefy 7.3lbs and gets about 3.8 hours of battery life. That’s a pretty heavy laptop, and while the battery life is respectable, I know I can get about 4.5 to 6 hours on my MacBook. It even has a keyboard shortcut for emptying the trash!  I wonder what the next computer will be. I hope it has business applications.

2) Lenovo IdeaPad Y510

Lenovo’s IdeaPad Y510 vaults into the upper reaches of our most recent all-purpose laptops chart, largely on the strength of its design smarts…the Lenovo IdeaPad matched the Acer Aspire 5920-6954 almost step-for-step, yet the Lenovo costs $100 less

Alright! This computer performs as well as the Acer Aspire, but costs less. Sounds good to me. Also, it’s a Lenovo, which means it definitely has business applications. Clearly, this is a list where #1 is really #10. The IdeaPad is a pretty good computer. It’s got a webcam, and “a responsive keyboard that doesn’t bow to fingertip pressure.” It’s also got thick hinges that contribute to its alluring “design smarts.” You know, most people tend to credit Apple with having the best industrial design in the industry. And they include webcams on all their thick-hinged laptops. And if you want design smarts, look no further than the MacBook’s MagSafe power connector.  That thing is like the Mayor of Design Smarts City.  If the IdeaPad is on the list, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say the MacBook will show up a little later.

3) HP Pavilion dv2660se Laptop

The HP Pavilion dv2660se offers strictly budget performance, but its battery life, great design, and low price make it a winner. The six-pound HP Pavilion’s high-capacity 12-cell battery endured for a whopping 6.3 hours on one charge in our tests.

This sounds like a winner.  It has a great battery life and comes with good capacity for a laptop (250GB).  Except, PC World’s actual review of the laptop says that the graphics of the computer are not suitable for gaming.  And that great battery life?

The way the big battery protrudes from the bottom of the notebook does not make the dv2660se the most briefcase- or backpack-friendly model

So briefcase-toting businesspeople should not own this laptop.  Or backpack-toting student types.  BUT… it has multi-media features like touch-sensitive media controls and two headphone ports.  (Headphone splitters are available at your local anywhere for $3).  I am not getting a very “all-purpose” feeling from this laptop.

4) Dell Inspiron 1525

you can customize it down to the smallest detail–even lid color–before buying it online

That’s cheating.  You can’t pick a highly customizable computer and call it all-purpose, because you’re really picking a multitude of computers based on the permutations and combinations of available options.  And how is lid color used to argue multi-purposeness?  That’s like saying that red pillows do a better job relieving neck pain.

The 1525 is wedge-shaped but svelte at 6 pounds, including a 15.4-inch 1280 by 800 resolution screen, a DVD writer, and a good keyboard

A svelte 6 pounds?  Is that anything like my 27″ big screen TV?  And as far as that 15.4″ 1280 x 800 screen–my 13.3″ MacBook (which weighs a “svelte” 5 pounds) has a 1280 x 800 screen too.  And 13.3 is less than 15.4.  It’s smaller and lighter and has the same screen resolution–pretty handy.  I’ll bet it’s next on the list.

the 1525 gives multimedia lovers lots of entertainment features: an instant-on button, a Webcam, and even dual headphone jacks

Seriously, what’s with the dual headphone jacks?  Because a computer opts to build-in a feature that can easily be replicated for $3, it’s all-purpose?  If I designed and built a laptop with a built-in penlight, I think I could make PC World’s list of the best 10 all-purpose laptops.

5) Lenovo ThinkPad R61 Laptop

The R61′s 3-hour, 19-minute tested battery life is good.

Now I’m getting annoyed.  We have our first repeat manufacturer, Lenovo, and this time it’s the more business-oriented ThinkPad.  And about that 3-hour, 19-minute battery?  Not good.  That’s actually the worst battery life of any computer mentioned on the list so far.  And it’s over an hour less than the “official” 4.5 hour battery life of the MacBook.  I guess they’re just building up the list to the obvious conclusion.

6) Fujitsu LifeBook A6120 Laptop

The A6120 comes with most of the features you’d expect from a well-rounded machine–except good battery life…2 hours, 36 minutes

Okay, so battery life has nothing to do with the purposefulness of a laptop.  I could have sworn that the whole concept of a laptop was its portability.  That is achieved through two things: light weight and battery operation.  Would you buy a cell phone that shoots video, automatically does criminal background checks on your contact list, and manipulates your voice to sound like the celebrity of your choice if it only got service for 30 minutes at a time at altitudes of 4,000 feet and above?  If you said “yes,” you’re probably in the target demographic to own the A6120.  But, to be fair, it does have USB and FireWire ports, and video out.  That separates it from the pack.  

The criteria for “all-purpose” laptop are really deteriorating.  Let’s take a moment to review what’s been important to PC World:

• terrific keyboards
• media control buttons
• price
• built-in webcam
• thick hinges
• touch-sensitive buttons
• dual headphone ports
• customizability
• lid colors
• USB and FireWire ports
• Video out

And on the other side of the fence (which we shall call That Which Divides the Logical from the Arbitrary), what has not been important?

• Business applications
• Battery life
• Size/shape
• graphics processing
• hard drive capacity
• bundled software
• processor power
• connectivity

The narrators explain how the robot (which appears to be made of the same cubes that Wall-E creates out of Earth’s trash) first identifies its separated parts using cameras that send unique signals. Once two cameras make eyes with each other, the slow, robotic undulation process begins, and then the newly created piece seeks out the third. The robot can also “walk,” much the same way Nick Nolte can look sober.

Luckily, it takes well over five minutes to get its groove back, which means you’d have plenty of time to escape on your dirt bike.

(via Gizmodo)