Here’s a story I like to call “wrong fat girl.”

The phrase, “You all look alike to me” is one of those bigoted utterances that every race or ethnicity says about the other, almost keeping it from being too inappropriate.

- “You all look alike to us!”

- “Well, you all look alike to us, too!”

- “Let’s go out for coffee, whoever you are!”

It seems that I have, yet again, underestimated the embarrassment potential of a sociological phenomenon. Here goes.

I missed Evidence class last Tuesday because I was sleeping in synagogue in celebration of the Jewish New Year. I e-mailed all of the students in the Evidence class to ask if anyone had audio or video of the class, as many techno-law students frequently record class sessions. (They do this so that they can NOT listen in class, and instead, shop for Vera Bradley bags or send their girlfriends or boyfriends e-mails with subjects lines like, ‘Absolutely Not a Break-Up E-mail.’)

One of these such techno-law students had recorded the class, and approached me this morning in Evidence about borrowing her audio recording of last week’s session. She was a jolly young brunette with one distinguishing physical characteristic – she was big as a house. She was wearing a pink t-shirt under a v-neck white sweater — all, of course, large articles of clothing. They failed to hide her plump jovialness, and her rosy cheeks were on full display. As class was about to begin, she told me to find her after class.

I looked around as class was about to end, and spied the big gal in the last row on the other side of the classroom. White sweater right? As soon as the professor dismissed the class, I walked up to her, and asked her for the notes from last week’s class. She looked at me like I was a naked hobo. I thought I may have made a mistake, but foolishly asked again, “Do you have those notes from last class?” She replied, “I have some notes, uh…. I… what?” It was then that I realized my error: wrong fat girl.

I tried to cover up my mistake by asking for a third time (faulty logic alert), “Do you, or you know, anyone around here, have the notes from last class?” Now I look like a retard and, to make matters worse, I have just spied the right fat girl hovering around my seat. Sh*t!

The wrong fat girl looked a lot like the right fat girl, in my defense. They all look alike to me! Sometimes you’ll notice that on reality makeover shows, like “Biggest Loser,” all of the fat ladies look alike at the beginning: lots of chins, lots of bellies, etc. As the show goes on and they lose the weight, faces and features emerge and these people actually become discernibly separate creatures. Not so when they are still fat. So I guess you can add big girls to the already crowded group of people who all look alike to me. Does this make me a bigot? You’re damn right it does. I’m not proud; just honest.

Have a great Tuesday, and be sure to note distinguishable qualities whenever you meet a new fat person. Good luck.

If poker and NASCAR are sports, than so too is beerpong/beirut. And as I was shoving 50 books about raising twins into 50 envelopes, I thought about this, and realized it’s a lot like baseball.

Top 20 Reasons Beerpong is Like Baseball

1. Homefield Advantage.

The tables are always different sizes, much like all the ballparks are shaped and sized differently. Tables and ballparks alike are often judged by their character, tradition, and nearby food.

2. Bouncing is the DH of beerpong.

Some teams play with it. Some don’t. If beerpong ever became professionalized, surely this would separate the National League from the American League. And for the record, I think players that only bounce should still be illegible for the MVP, even if they don’t play defense¹.

3. Good teams nail the little things.

Teams like the White Sox and Cardinals² are credited with always executing the little things. They don’t commit errors turning double plays. Outfielders hit the cut-off man. Good beerpong teams execute the little things. They don’t knock over their own cups. They always protect their drinking cup. They never lose the ball under a couch. Missing the little things will kill you in both games.

4. Most games are played at night.

Day games, however, are often the most enjoyable.

5. Players have routines, superstitions, and unique in-game personas.

We all know about the ridiculous things that baseball players do before they can step into the batter’s box. But beerpong players are just the same. Some people make practice shots, others stare down the table to focus. I know a guy that licks the ball before he throws it. And swings are like shots. Some players have sweet, fluid throws with nice high arcs. Others throw bullets. Some people bend at the knees. Some people move only their forearm and wrist. Some guys throw from the right side of the table, others from the left. Some are switch.

6. Defense is overrated, but useful.

In baseball, a team full of Gold Glovers will not get you to the World Series, but having good defense can make the difference in those 1-run games. If you’re playing with a girl and she knows how to blow or swat away any and all bounces, being able to save crucial cups can help you win close games. But mostly, it’s best to know how to hit shots.

7. The pressure situations are unrivaled.

Baseball has the bottom-of-the-9th, 2 out, bases loaded, full count situation. Beerpong has the “they just hit your last cup and your partner missed so you need to hit this last cup to send the game to overtime” scenario. It can get very lonely at that table, even if you’re surrounded by friends or fans.

8. The winner drinks heavily.

The champagne tradition for teams that make the postseason and win playoff series is admittedly more exciting than the winning beerpong team which is rewarded with 3 more cans of Natty Light.

9. Clutch performances are praised and envied.

The guy that specializes in hitting the last cup is the guy everyone wants to play with, because he’s got ice in his veins (sport cliché!); pressure situations and comebacks don’t affect him. Same with baseball. Every baseball team wants a lock-it-up closer and a guy they can rely on to drive in runs in late innings.

10. Walk-Offs.

The most exciting play in baseball: the walk-off HR. The most exciting play in beerpong? Two balls, one cup.³ Walk-off. (Or the much more rarely seen shot into the drinking cup, which I guess is pretty much a walk-off grand slam.)

11. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

If you plan to be any good at beerpong, you need to be ready to win upwards of 6 or maybe even 8 games in a row. You don’t want to waste it all in the first game. You gotta grind it out, play through injury, and, if necessary, sneak a pee into a plastic cup.

12. The best players can’t speak English.

Well, not good English anyway.
13. Team chemistry is a must.

Ever won a game of beerpong teaming with someone you hate? Unlikely. You have to develop a rhythm and know your partner. Otherwise plays like the simultaneous shot-and-bounce are impossible. You need to know where he is. Who’s gonna shag the ground balls? Who’s gonna swat away bounces? Chemistry.

Normally relaxing to watch, both sports can become very intense.

Most of the time, people watch beerpong like they watch tennis, heads swiveling back and forth, back and forth. But if a game gets close or if a team can sink two in a row, suddenly you’re into it.
15. Rallies and comebacks are a crucial part of the game.

In football, if a team goes down 21 points, it’s pretty much over. In baseball and beerpong, you can be down 2 cups to 6 and it’s still really anyone’s game. A bounce or two hits in a row can make the game a heck of a lot closer real fast.

16. The games are not timed.

Traditional baseball games go 9 innings, no matter how long it takes to play those 9 innings. Beerpong goes 6 (or 10, or 15) cups, no matter how long it takes to hit them.

17. Streaks and slumps are unavoidable.

Sometimes one guy can go on a hot streak (or he’s just that good) and it doesn’t matter how you play. You’re going to win, because you’ve got that guy that hits 6 of 9 shots. But there are slumps too. Those games, those nights, those weeks, when you just can’t find the cup. They bounce of the rim or they just sail wide to the left. But no one’s immune.

19. Bench-clearing brawls!

One questionable call, one spilled cup (intentionally or otherwise) can lead to retaliation and even a good old-fashioned brawl. Some versions of the game even encourage this in the rules.

20. Asians are surprisingly good.

I know. I’m shocked too.

¹ This point was made after the 2005 season when David Ortiz was up for MVP. I stand by it today.

² Remember, it was 2005. I guess now it would be better to say the Indians?

³ This predates and has nothing to do with the similarly titled YouTube video sensation.