Front row at the Team USA / Team Canada pre-Olympics-why-would-anyone-even-go game in Vegas.  From left to right: Warren Buffett, William Gates, and Christopher Bridges

Correct me if I’m wrong, but is this supposed to be a reference to the flux capacitor, the fictional invention said to make time travel possible, as described in the 1985 film Back to the Future?  If so, what the hell is it doing serving as the headline for an article about the psychological affect of Tiger Woods’s presence on other golfers?  Keep it up ESPN.  Everyone loves it.

“Who does a doctor treat?  …You see the elbow on my jacket?  What’s it doing?”

ESPN The Ultimate Remote manages home theater components, set top boxes
and IP equipment with intuitive "location-free" setup and one-handed
operation, using a standard wireless connection -- unlike other products
that require cumbersome programming and a personal computer -- in order to
set even the simplest home theatres.

Remind me again why I would pay $300 for a remote control that gives me sports scores?  Isn’t that what cell phones are for?

ESPN loves to slap its name on random products, including (but not limited to):

• ESPN The Magazine
• ESPN The Weekend
• ESPN The Season
• ESPN The Ringtones
• ESPN The Racecar Bed
• ESPN The Foam Packing Peanuts

and my personal favorite…

(The kids love this one.)

PRNewsWire

Beerpong.  Ditto.

Wii + Beerpong?  Winner.

Featuring two distinct competitive games, Frat Party Games™ – Beer Pong will offer a traditional tournament-style game of Beer Pong for one to four players and Speed Pong, during which two to three players compete at the same time, each trying to be the first to eliminate all of his or her cups.

I called this, by the way, almost a year ago.

Jon Lester just wrapped up the first no hitter of his career, and the 13th at Fenway Park.  (Ellsbury’s no-hitter-saving play can be found here.)  It’s a pretty fantastic achievement, but the question I found myself asking as I watched the top of the 9th is not what was going through Jon’s head, but what goes through the batters’ heads, specifically the potential last out?  It’s a 7-0 game, you play for the Royals, it’s pretty clear you’re not going to stage a 2-out, 7-run rally.  Are these guys still legitimately trying to get a hit?  What are the incentives to do so?  Do you want to pad your stats?  Would your teammates even appreciate it?  Do you want to be the villain?  Is that a role some players aspire to fill?  Congratulations, you just broke up a cancer survivor’s no-hitter.  You’re a gigantic asshole, but you raised your batting average by .001 in a contract year, so was it worth it?

I was especially curious when Tony Peña (I think it was Tony Peña) was facing a 3-0 count in the 9th.  Generally, hitters take the strike in this situation.  Was there ever any thought given to swinging on this “gimme” pitch?  And what kind of a dick move would that have been?

I’d like to believe that the guy that represents the last out in a no-hitter situation just acquiesces and goes down swinging (or pops out, whatever).  Usually the noble thing to do is not in the best interest of the person doing it, but in this case I think it comes at very little detriment to the hitter.  What’s the worst thing that happens to the hitter?  Another strikeout on his stat sheet?  Big deal.  Don’t be a dick.

The slugger-turned-average-hitter admitted (for no good reason) that when he’s having trouble at the plate, he busts out a golden thong.  He claims it always works, and has even lent the magical banana hammock to other teammates who are underperforming:

“You’re not worrying about your hands or your balance at the plate,” Damon said. “You’re worried about the uncomfortable feeling you’re receiving.”

When asked about smelling like Giambi’s crotch wearing the thong, Jorge Pasada said, “I don’t know if it works.  I haven’t put it on yet.”  There shouldn’t be much of a gross-out factor for Posada, who has admitted to peeing on his hands in lieu of wearing batting gloves.

Not the proudest moment for a once-proud franchise.  But, is a thong as a lucky charm any weirder than this?

via With Leather

There you go folks.  $600 for a video game system that can photo-realistically show a guy taking a nap in left field.  Next year’s game will feature fans on cell phones, rain delays, and when you play at Yankee Stadium, you’ll have to sit through that excruciating rendition of “God Bless America.”

This f*cking kid.

Finally took off his stupid f*cking Favre jersey.

After FOUR f*cking years.

I’ve cut way back on my ESPN intake recently. There are a bunch of reasons (e.g. “All I wanna do is race daddy,” “Who’s Now?” and “Jake ‘Daylight Come and I Wanna’ Delhomme”), but that is not the point of this post. Even if I was still a big ESPN junkie, I still wouldn’t approve of some of their punny headlines. Now, I’m all for puns. Good puns, bad puns, they’re all deeply integrated into my lexicon. But I’m not a major news source or a part of a large corporation, so I don’t have to be careful with my puns. I mean, “Churchill Downer,” really? Why not just put “Why the Long Face?” or “A Horse is A Horse, Of Course, Of Course, Unless Its Eight Belles After the Kentucky Derby.”

This is not ESPN’s first offense, either. They had a double whammy after the BCS title game this year:

Whoops?

If poker and NASCAR are sports, than so too is beerpong/beirut. And as I was shoving 50 books about raising twins into 50 envelopes, I thought about this, and realized it’s a lot like baseball.

Top 20 Reasons Beerpong is Like Baseball

1. Homefield Advantage.

The tables are always different sizes, much like all the ballparks are shaped and sized differently. Tables and ballparks alike are often judged by their character, tradition, and nearby food.

2. Bouncing is the DH of beerpong.

Some teams play with it. Some don’t. If beerpong ever became professionalized, surely this would separate the National League from the American League. And for the record, I think players that only bounce should still be illegible for the MVP, even if they don’t play defense¹.

3. Good teams nail the little things.

Teams like the White Sox and Cardinals² are credited with always executing the little things. They don’t commit errors turning double plays. Outfielders hit the cut-off man. Good beerpong teams execute the little things. They don’t knock over their own cups. They always protect their drinking cup. They never lose the ball under a couch. Missing the little things will kill you in both games.

4. Most games are played at night.

Day games, however, are often the most enjoyable.

5. Players have routines, superstitions, and unique in-game personas.

We all know about the ridiculous things that baseball players do before they can step into the batter’s box. But beerpong players are just the same. Some people make practice shots, others stare down the table to focus. I know a guy that licks the ball before he throws it. And swings are like shots. Some players have sweet, fluid throws with nice high arcs. Others throw bullets. Some people bend at the knees. Some people move only their forearm and wrist. Some guys throw from the right side of the table, others from the left. Some are switch.

6. Defense is overrated, but useful.

In baseball, a team full of Gold Glovers will not get you to the World Series, but having good defense can make the difference in those 1-run games. If you’re playing with a girl and she knows how to blow or swat away any and all bounces, being able to save crucial cups can help you win close games. But mostly, it’s best to know how to hit shots.

7. The pressure situations are unrivaled.

Baseball has the bottom-of-the-9th, 2 out, bases loaded, full count situation. Beerpong has the “they just hit your last cup and your partner missed so you need to hit this last cup to send the game to overtime” scenario. It can get very lonely at that table, even if you’re surrounded by friends or fans.

8. The winner drinks heavily.

The champagne tradition for teams that make the postseason and win playoff series is admittedly more exciting than the winning beerpong team which is rewarded with 3 more cans of Natty Light.

9. Clutch performances are praised and envied.

The guy that specializes in hitting the last cup is the guy everyone wants to play with, because he’s got ice in his veins (sport cliché!); pressure situations and comebacks don’t affect him. Same with baseball. Every baseball team wants a lock-it-up closer and a guy they can rely on to drive in runs in late innings.

10. Walk-Offs.

The most exciting play in baseball: the walk-off HR. The most exciting play in beerpong? Two balls, one cup.³ Walk-off. (Or the much more rarely seen shot into the drinking cup, which I guess is pretty much a walk-off grand slam.)

11. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

If you plan to be any good at beerpong, you need to be ready to win upwards of 6 or maybe even 8 games in a row. You don’t want to waste it all in the first game. You gotta grind it out, play through injury, and, if necessary, sneak a pee into a plastic cup.

12. The best players can’t speak English.

Well, not good English anyway.
13. Team chemistry is a must.

Ever won a game of beerpong teaming with someone you hate? Unlikely. You have to develop a rhythm and know your partner. Otherwise plays like the simultaneous shot-and-bounce are impossible. You need to know where he is. Who’s gonna shag the ground balls? Who’s gonna swat away bounces? Chemistry.

Normally relaxing to watch, both sports can become very intense.

Most of the time, people watch beerpong like they watch tennis, heads swiveling back and forth, back and forth. But if a game gets close or if a team can sink two in a row, suddenly you’re into it.
15. Rallies and comebacks are a crucial part of the game.

In football, if a team goes down 21 points, it’s pretty much over. In baseball and beerpong, you can be down 2 cups to 6 and it’s still really anyone’s game. A bounce or two hits in a row can make the game a heck of a lot closer real fast.

16. The games are not timed.

Traditional baseball games go 9 innings, no matter how long it takes to play those 9 innings. Beerpong goes 6 (or 10, or 15) cups, no matter how long it takes to hit them.

17. Streaks and slumps are unavoidable.

Sometimes one guy can go on a hot streak (or he’s just that good) and it doesn’t matter how you play. You’re going to win, because you’ve got that guy that hits 6 of 9 shots. But there are slumps too. Those games, those nights, those weeks, when you just can’t find the cup. They bounce of the rim or they just sail wide to the left. But no one’s immune.

19. Bench-clearing brawls!

One questionable call, one spilled cup (intentionally or otherwise) can lead to retaliation and even a good old-fashioned brawl. Some versions of the game even encourage this in the rules.

20. Asians are surprisingly good.

I know. I’m shocked too.

¹ This point was made after the 2005 season when David Ortiz was up for MVP. I stand by it today.

² Remember, it was 2005. I guess now it would be better to say the Indians?

³ This predates and has nothing to do with the similarly titled YouTube video sensation.