Feel it.

Yes the hero of hyperconservative fundamentalist muslims everywhere is returning to The Apple for the UN General Assembly in September.  Of course, Ahmadinejad would have come earlier for the end of summer Hamptons White Party, however upon learning of the sizable Jewish population within the famous Long Island getaway he’s hoping to wipe, that too, off the map.

Ahmadinejad is in talks with Lex Luthor, Dr. Evil, a number of James Bond villians and the former writing staff of Pinky and The Brain to concoct an ambitious, extravagant and complicated plan which will be revealed to Israel with just enough time for the Jewish state to escape, circumvent his inept henchmen and capture the ruthless Iranian leader in a comical yet just manner.

So that widely-reported salmonella scare going on?  The one that cost the tomato industry over $100 million?  Well… it wasn’t tomatoes:

After causing the tomato industry to lose an estimated $100 million, health investigators have essentially recanted their contaminated tomato theory and have focused their attention on jalapeño peppers. The Baltimore Sun reports that new interviews with salmonella victims have revealed that many of them had eaten salsa containing jalepeños. Other common Mexican food ingredients such as cilantro are also being investigated…

Whoops!  Sorry, guys!  We didn’t realize salsa was actually a combination of flavors!

Other agencies within the federal government have taken notice, and would like to make some adjustments to other previously reported claims, including:

• It is no longer believed that the poor performance of “Our American Cousin” in Ford’s Theatre caused Abraham Lincoln’s death.  Apparently, he was shot in the back of the head.
• Major League Baseball no longer thinks that rampant steroid usage caused the surge in power-hitting in the 1990s.  They now believe it was because players were working out more and healing faster.
• NASA no longer believes that Pluto is a dwarf planet.  Extensive testing has shown that it is actually a gnome planet.
• The Federal Reserve no longer believes the dollar is weakening.  It is simply aging, and should be replaced with a picture of a younger or more recent president.
• The Department of Labor has abandoned its theory that thousands of Americans are voluntarily quitting their jobs to start retirement early.  Newer studies have shown that they were fired or their positions eliminated.

via Consumerist

BARNEGAT, N.J. –It’s the case of the nonexistent ninja. Public schools in Barnegat were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school.

Turns out the ninja was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword.

Police tell the Asbury Park Press the man was late to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school.

The lockdown began shortly after 9 a.m. Wednesday and lasted until 9:30.

(lifted from Boston.com)

“He’s really been in a downward spiral since those Wall-E posters started showing up around town,” said Short Circuit co-star Fisher Stevens. “I mean, you have to admit, the little robot does look a lot like Johnny…just a reminder that he hasn’t worked since the first Gulf War.”

Disney/Pixar executive Deborah Majors, was on hand to observe Johnny 5′s drunken tirade: “He just kept shouting, ‘Need input, laser lips? Wall-E’s mother is a f—ing snow blower!’ He was not the lovable robot I remembered from those movies. Wait…wasn’t he coated in gold at the end of Short Circuit 2 ?”

“If he didn’t look coated in gold last night, it’s because he wasn’t,” said Stevens. “Johnny sold all his gold plating in the summer of 1997 and blew it on cocaine and hookers within a month.” Add to that a whopping seventeen DWI charges and the picture becomes much clearer. “Well, it’s kind of hard to not get DWI’s when your legs are tank treads.”

As with many stars from the ’80s, Johnny 5′s lows have lasted much longer than his highs. Once the toast of Hollywood, Johnny Five is now another out of work robot actor sharing an apartment with the tiny flying saucers from Batteries Not Included . (from funnyordie.com)

By Brian Lysaght

May 30 (Bloomberg) — Revelers are planning a final cocktail party on the London Underground tomorrow evening before an alcohol ban takes effect on June 1.

Mayor Boris Johnson announced the ban on May 7, six days after his election, fulfilling a campaign pledge. The new rule will bar alcohol consumption on city buses and trains and is aimed at making traveling safer and more pleasant, Johnson said.

”The Final Circle Line Party” will take place in the rear cars of the 9 p.m. Circle Line train leaving from the clockwise platform at Liverpool Street station. Revelers should bring their own cocktails, said James Darling, 20, a Web site designer helping to organize the event, in an interview yesterday. Similar parties are happening on other lines.

——————————————————————–

With the kind of weather that could drive Richard Simmons to depression – one of London’s greatest assets is the drinking culture. Walking down the street with a pint is a beautiful and glorious feeling. The drunken Sunday sprawl of Brick Lane out in Eastie could be the alcoholic’s equivalent to the Sound of Music.

It’s not the worst loss for the Big Smoke, banning open containers on public transport, and at least it results in the most massive underground party since the awkward tribal dance in The Matrix.

Just be careful of setting dangerous precedents fellow Londonists, don’t let a public transport ban become a citywide ban. Meanwhile, see you on the Circle Line.

For your moment of zen, I leave you with the lyrics from…
The Jam – Going Underground

What you see is what you get
You’ve made your bed, you better lie in it
You choose your leaders and place your trust
As their lies wash you down and their promises rust
You’ll see kidney machines replaced by rockets and guns

And the public wants what the public gets
But I dont get what this society wants
I’m going underground, (going underground)
Well the brass bands play and feet start to pound
Going underground, (going underground)

Citing the slump in the housing market and the general economic concerns in the U.S., GE announced today that it plans to sell or spin-off its appliances business. A representative from the company stated, “We correlated our upward revenue stream dynamics and found that there simply were not enough synergies to fully support continued product development. GE now faces the difficult task of synergizing backward overflow, which translates to facing the challenges of tomorrow, today, for all of us.”

Interim CEO Cathy Geiss was unavailable when reached for comment.

Covering analyst Robert Schenosky of Jefferies & Co. favors the deal, and does not think it is out of the question for GE to sell off other struggling assets, including the Sheinhardt Wig Company and its subsidiary NBC Universal.

It’s a recognition that there is not anything that is untouchable at this point. Certainly other candidates could include the lighting business and even potentially NBC Universal.

This just in: Macs are now impervious even to theft! Take that ya PC bitch! Can you do THIS? Can you?

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. —  A Westchester woman who had her laptop stolen was able to connect to the computer, photograph two suspects and file the photos to police.

White Plains Police say they used the photos to arrest 23-year-old Edmon Shahikian of Katonah and 20-year-old Ian Frias of the Bronx Wednesday night. Police say they recovered most of the $5,000 worth of electronics stolen from the woman’s White Plains apartment back on April 27.

Police say the woman got a call from a friend asking if she was online.

The victim said no and was told by the friend that her computer showed her as being on the Internet.

At that point the victim signed onto another computer and used the “Back to My Mac” program to determine that her stolen MacIntosh laptop was on the Web.

She then used the stolen computer’s camera to photograph Shahikian.

Didn’t think so.

Remember all those ‘Free Tibet’ flags being waved around the Olympic torch in protest? (Not a terrific plan, by the way. Torch : flag :: paper : rock.) Well, they’re made in China. That’s right. According to the BBC News article, the workers “thought they were just making colourful flags and did not realise their meaning.” Unfortunately, no Chinese factory worker would ever have the necessary education to recognize that the symbols on the colorful flag he was making represented the hated ideals of freedom and peace. How could they ev–what’s that? Oh, they saw it on TV and told the authorities? Ok, good. Dodged that bullet.

In a related story, Michael Keaton was recently hired to come in to manage the factory and show the workers a thing or two about the American work ethic.

NEW YORK (AP) — In a much anticipated event, the online publication DivingBored has launched after years of anticipation. The venture, shelved several times before production eventually began, brings a new type of news outlet and commentary to the public. The trademarked Deep End and Shallow End approach by DivingBored, which only privileged insiders have enjoyed over the past few years, offers a variety of information to the now public audience. While The Shallow End simply points out the short-comings, flaws and incontestable pure-lunacy that floods our daily social, politial, economical and commericial lives – The Deep End will be our personal white-board, including all sorts of notes, videos and random floods of material.

Doubts were raised by critics whether this creative collaboration would come to fruition, however fictional media mogul Guy Cooley remarked just recently at his own press conference that he had every bit of faith in the two enterprising founders to see the venture through to success.

News of the launch came in just as Kim Jong-Il reportedly and uncharacteristically tucked his tail between his legs and has submitted to a deal at six-nation talks in Beijing. North Korea, or The DPRK for those with a sense of irony, has agreed to close down its nuclear program in exchange for 50,000 metric tons of fuel aid. Negotiators, pleased with their result, chose the obscure number with the belief that most of the international community has no idea as to what 50,000 metric tons of fuel amounts, nor any clue what that might look like.

Meanwhile other prospective nuclear club member Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said on Tuesday that Tehran is “opposed to any proliferation” of nuclear weapons and is always ready to talk about its nuclear program – language which will certainly hurt him after he has bombed the Israeli people.