Selection of phrases which you’re not likely to encounter in Sudan
“Schwing!”
“Zero percent financing”
“Roast duck with the mango salsa”
“Frequent Flyer Miles”
“Optional swim platform with extendable ladder”
“If You See Something, Say Something”
“Hungarian Superior Quality Goose Down”
“Fore!”
He’s Back.
The same man who brought us, “We don’t have homosexuals. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon, I don’t know who told you that we have it”, is coming back to New York.
Yes the hero of hyperconservative fundamentalist muslims everywhere is returning to The Apple for the UN General Assembly in September. Of course, Ahmadinejad would have come earlier for the end of summer Hamptons White Party, however upon learning of the sizable Jewish population within the famous Long Island getaway he’s hoping to wipe, that too, off the map.
Ahmadinejad is in talks with Lex Luthor, Dr. Evil, a number of James Bond villians and the former writing staff of Pinky and The Brain to concoct an ambitious, extravagant and complicated plan which will be revealed to Israel with just enough time for the Jewish state to escape, circumvent his inept henchmen and capture the ruthless Iranian leader in a comical yet just manner.
From FDA: “our bad”
So that widely-reported salmonella scare going on? The one that cost the tomato industry over $100 million? Well… it wasn’t tomatoes:
After causing the tomato industry to lose an estimated $100 million, health investigators have essentially recanted their contaminated tomato theory and have focused their attention on jalapeño peppers. The Baltimore Sun reports that new interviews with salmonella victims have revealed that many of them had eaten salsa containing jalepeños. Other common Mexican food ingredients such as cilantro are also being investigated…
Whoops! Sorry, guys! We didn’t realize salsa was actually a combination of flavors!
Other agencies within the federal government have taken notice, and would like to make some adjustments to other previously reported claims, including:
- It is no longer believed that the poor performance of “Our American Cousin” in Ford’s Theatre caused Abraham Lincoln’s death. Apparently, he was shot in the back of the head.
- Major League Baseball no longer thinks that rampant steroid usage caused the surge in power-hitting in the 1990s. They now believe it was because players were working out more and healing faster.
- NASA no longer believes that Pluto is a dwarf planet. Extensive testing has shown that it is actually a gnome planet.
- The Federal Reserve no longer believes the dollar is weakening. It is simply aging, and should be replaced with a picture of a younger or more recent president.
- The Department of Labor has abandoned its theory that thousands of Americans are voluntarily quitting their jobs to start retirement early. Newer studies have shown that they were fired or their positions eliminated.
via Consumerist
New shirts available at DB merch store
Place your order now. These babies are selling like hot potato pancakes.
Dear Mr. Studio Executive
Remember a few years ago when DVDs came out? Good times, right? Apparently we started with Gladiator and started to convert the rest of the vast archives of cinema on a chronological basis. Well guess what? You fucking forgot a few of them. I’m talking about some stellar films like the venerable Speed Zone! and the stylish If Looks Could Kill.
I get that you had to prioritize. Start with your newer titles and your big grossers. Then move on to the sci-fi and action movies with the great sound, and then the cult classics that you can package with extra features and sell to rabid fans for $40. (By the way, what made you think you could sell a special edition version of The Rock for $40? It’s not like it’s Evil Dead II.)
But eventually, you know you have to do every title, right? It’s kind of your responsibility. How much could it possibly cost to put a movie on a DVD and manufacture a couple thousand copies? Can’t be that much because the technology is readily available for me to do this myself. Rule no. 1 in technology is that if a person can do it himself, it’s really cheap for a company to do it in scale. Are you worried it won’t sell well? Call it a limited edition and double the price. The eight people on the planet that want that movie will gladly fork it over. Are you worried the movie is a piece of crap? Guess what, they’ve been putting pieces of crap on DVD for years.
My issue is not your negligence or sense of self importance, it’s that you are robbing history of these movies. VHS players are no longer being manufactured, and copies of these movies on tape are becoming scarcer and scarcer. Soon, there won’t be any way to watch Speed Zone! That’s a crime. That’s cinemacide. You’re erradicating a piece of culture that seven, maybe six people hold near and dear to their hearts. What gives you the right to say that Speed Zone! cannot live on in the digital age? Do you realize what you’ve done? You’ve cut every John Candy Movie Marathon short by ninety minutes. You’ve robbed the world of one of Eugene Levy’s great performances. How could you actively, consciously abridge the lifespan of a contribution to annals of culture? Do you think Plautus intentionally destroyed the ending of Aulularia? The five people who love Speed Zone deserve to have their needs addressed. Hell, you made three other movies based on the same idea, starring mostly the same people, and those are on DVD!
This is bullshit. You’re bullshit. Put Speed Zone! on DVD so that I can rent it from Netflix and rip it for free.
READ MY FAX
Back to the Future II is best remembered as a well-researched, highly accurate depiction of the future (which is just 7 years away at this point). Truth is, in 7 years, some of that stuff will probably have come to fruition to a degree. Digital newspapers, video arcade games that do not require the use of hands, intense 80’s nostalgia, and Miami having a baseball team are all just around the corner (if not here already).
Of course, there were some more imaginative items in the future, and some corporations are trying to bring them to us sooner than later. They could have gone with the auto-fitting, auto-drying jacket, the PitBull (TM), or even Grays Sports Almanac, but nope. They went with the Nike high-tops with the power laces. Still pretty fucking sweet though:
I’m loving the attention to detail. Do you see that? Written on the tongue behind the dopey “2015″ logo? Yeah, that’s the dates and times that the DeLorean visited in the first two movies. I can’t wait to kick these babies up on the coffee table while I rehydrate a pizza and watch channels 18, 24, 63, 109, 87 and the Weather Channel.
via Gizmodo
School locked down after ‘ninja’ sighted in woods
June 25, 2008
BARNEGAT, N.J. –It’s the case of the nonexistent ninja. Public schools in Barnegat were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school.
Turns out the ninja was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword.
Police tell the Asbury Park Press the man was late to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school.
The lockdown began shortly after 9 a.m. Wednesday and lasted until 9:30.
(lifted from Boston.com)
Johnny 5 arrested at Wall-E Premiere
Los Angeles, CA – It’s been almost twenty years since robot Johnny 5 was seen in a movie theater, but last night at the red carpet premiere of Disney/Pixar’s new animated feature Wall-E , he was seen outside of the El Capitan, drinking heavily, spewing racial epithets, and eventually being dragged away by the LAPD.
“He’s really been in a downward spiral since those Wall-E posters started showing up around town,” said Short Circuit co-star Fisher Stevens. “I mean, you have to admit, the little robot does look a lot like Johnny…just a reminder that he hasn’t worked since the first Gulf War.”
Disney/Pixar executive Deborah Majors, was on hand to observe Johnny 5’s drunken tirade: “He just kept shouting, ‘Need input, laser lips? Wall-E’s mother is a f—ing snow blower!’ He was not the lovable robot I remembered from those movies. Wait…wasn’t he coated in gold at the end of Short Circuit 2 ?”
“If he didn’t look coated in gold last night, it’s because he wasn’t,” said Stevens. “Johnny sold all his gold plating in the summer of 1997 and blew it on cocaine and hookers within a month.” Add to that a whopping seventeen DWI charges and the picture becomes much clearer. “Well, it’s kind of hard to not get DWI’s when your legs are tank treads.”
As with many stars from the ’80s, Johnny 5’s lows have lasted much longer than his highs. Once the toast of Hollywood, Johnny Five is now another out of work robot actor sharing an apartment with the tiny flying saucers from Batteries Not Included . (from funnyordie.com)
You kids don’t know how easy you have it
I just got an email from my mother. It’s supposed to be a funny, technology-based update to the “I used to have to walk to school uphill in the snow both ways” speech that our grandparents gave our parents. Unfortunately, the email is already dated, with references to Napster and the original Sony PlayStation.
So, I want to tell all those kids out there–the ones born after 2005–that they’ll never know how hard we Gen Y’ers had it. I hope this website is still up when these kids are old enough to read. I think I need to do this FJM style.
When I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
Children of tomorrow, you don’t know how bad it was. We used to have to LEAVE THE HOUSE, go to the library, search the digitized catalog, and then go find the book on the shelf! We couldn’t use Google’s vast eBook database to search the text of every single publication on earth. We had to FIND THE RIGHT PAGE.
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter … with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
First, I should admit that I thought people stopped writing letters shortly after the First American Civil War. Second, children of tomorrow, do you realize that we used to have to set down at our computers to write emails? We couldn’t type them on our smartphones as we rode our hoverboards to the spacepark.
There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
Back in my day, we used to have to search by the individual song that we wanted and hope that someone else on the peer-to-peer network had it. We couldn’t search the vast landscape of the entire Internet for full albums and TV seasons, and we couldn’t use torrents to download from multiple people at once. Downloads sometimes took HOURS. And we could only fit 2,000 songs on our iPods, which couldn’t always remote control your house.
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!
Get a load of this: Some phones only had 2 lines when I was growing up. And they showed just the phone number and name of the person calling. Not a customized holographic photo like your phones do now.
We didn’t have any fancy Sony Play station video gameswith high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “asteroids” and the graphics were horrible!
The video games we had when I was growing up were like Neanderthal tools compared to the shit you kids have today. 3D images had to be SIMULATED on a two-dimensional flat-panel HDTV, and you had to hold a controller full of buttons in your hands and different buttons corresponded to the various actions you could perform. And only 4 people could play at a time, instead of 32 like you’re used to.
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
I have to take a moment to fill you in here, because this must sound very foreign to you. Before the advent of 4320p ultra HD and petabyte Internet streaming, people used to have to go to a place called a “theater” where new movies were shown for a fee. You didn’t pick them from the on demand list, you had to show up for a scheduled showing of the movie, and the floors were very, very sticky.
You never would have lasted 5 minutes in 2000, kiddo. And you’d only be able to download half a song in that amount of time.
Weezer knows how to stay current
Embedding for the video is disabled, but here is the link to the new “Pork and Beans” video from Weezer. I fucking love this video.
Count the internet sensations!